Stop Faking It

“Be brave enough to live life creatively.”

--Alan Alda

            It’s pasted on the wall in my office above my computer.  It’s where I write.  I thought it would help.  It’s obvious that writing for this blog is still a challenge for me since my last post was three months ago (regarding Lucy. She must be exasperated with me by now.)  As a result, I have been using the above Alan Alda quote as my mantra for the past month.

I’ve tried to “be brave” and do everything I could to help with my creative output but it seemed that nothing I tried worked.  I’ve tried getting up an hour earlier than the usual 5:00 a.m. writing thinking more time is what I needed.  The only thing that did for me was make me exhausted and irritable.  I tried changing how I wrote (from non-fiction to fiction.)  That was a disaster.  I tried changing my usual morning routine to evening in hopes that getting out of a rut would produce an outburst of creative energy.  That didn’t work either.  I tried writing at the beach, in a coffee house, at the local tea shop.  Nothing.  Nada.  I was about to give up and throw in the towel on blog writing.  But then a party and a few life moments happened.

Recently, I was faced with a dilemma and a decision that had nothing to do with writing or any creative endeavor…..or so I thought.  There was a decision I needed to make.  I had to choose between something I really wanted and needed to do for myself and something else that had nothing to do with me but was important to the life of someone else.  I fretted over this situation for days.  I feared of making a wrong decision and possibly hurting someone’s feelings.  One evening at a party a day before the dreaded decision, I was sharing my uncertainties with a friend.  She listed all the reasons why it was okay for me to choose the way I was leaning (for myself) and then asked, “Why is this decision so difficult for you?”

I surprised myself when I quickly answered, “Because I’m too well behaved.”  She laughed at this response, but I wasn’t joking.  It’s true for the most part.  With the exception of a few rare occasions, I do my best to be a good girl doing all the “right” things and making all the “right” decisions.  I want to please everyone.  I don’t want to make waves or mistakes and I’m determined to do and say all the “right” things.  Yes, I’m definitely too well-behaved.

Just before this conversation, I had watched a video by fellow blogger, Neil Pasricha, author of 1,000awesomethings.com and a “best blogger” winner of the year.  He had stated there are three A’s to an awesome life.  The first “A” is attitude.  I must admit, sometimes I have such a Pollyanna positive attitude, I make some people sick.  So, without a doubt, I’ve got attitude down.  The second “A” is awareness.  I might have some misgivings in this area, but I’m told with enough frequency that I am an aware person so I feel confident in this area as well.  Pasricha’s third “A” to an awesome life, however, escapes me.  That word is authenticity.  I’m so far from living my life authentically that I almost had to look that one up in the dictionary.

So…back to the party.  I left late in the evening as a thunderstorm was rolling in.  About 5 miles down the road, the rain, lightning and thunder were there to greet me as I made a disconcerting discovery about myself and my creative writing.  “I fake it” is the thought that rang louder in my head than the small clap of thunder happening at the same time.

It took me a while to come to terms with the truth of that thought but I now know that in my attempt to say or do all the “right” things, I can’t write.  In my attempt to please others or be anything other than I am I block all and any creativity (writing and otherwise.)  If I really want to live my dream as a creative writer, I have to be brave and stop faking it.    

As if I needed confirmation on this discovery, last night I attended a burlesque/music show.  One of the acts included three talented musicians.  Two beautiful women and one very attractive cross dresser.  The cross dresser was wearing a purple dress, black fish net hose with red ankle high boots.  I was in awe of *her willingness to dare, to be brave.  *His authenticity and fun creative flair captivated me.  As I enjoyed the last song, I noticed an old 1940’s suitcase that was being used as a xylophone stand.  On the suitcase were the words, “Stop Faking It.”

Leaving, I walked into the dark and welcoming evening, determined to be just as brave as the purple dress and red ankle boots wearing wo/man.

*The change in pronoun was intentional….because, of course, I do not want to offend.

Reference:  Pasricha, Neil.  The Three A’s of Awesome.

     http://www.ted.com/talks/neil_pasricha_the_3_a_s_of_awesome.html