“Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full.  I say, “Are you going to drink that?”

--author unknown

            My friend Lori was upset and feeling aggravated.  There was horse hair plaster dust an inch thick all over her house due to the reconstruction in her living room.  To help her feel better about the current situation, I said, “But just think about the beautiful new living room you’re going to have when all of this is behind you.”

            “Whatever, Pollyanna!!” was her frustrated remark and then she proceeded to tell me to “F*%k off.”  (We love each other…really.)  Okay, so my attempt to make things better for her didn’t work out so well. 

            It’s true.  Lori’s right.  For the most part, I’ve channeled that curly golden hair girl who always sees the glass as half full.  Very rarely will you see my inner Pollyanna without her rose-colored glasses.  Playing Pollyanna’s The Glad Game with others can be irritating for some but it sure comes in handy in my life when things begin to get really challenging.  And….I can safely say that my husband and I have bounced through some very intense rough spots in the past five years.  In fact, at times, the past five years have felt like pure hell. 

            I’m certain I’m not the only one who has had a long “learning opportunity” spell.  Recently, I’ve begun to wonder…..is it possible that when they were handing out passports to life on earth, I accidently got into the wrong line and I was supposed to pick up the passport for Saturn instead?  Honestly, one plus one hasn’t equaled two for a while now…..nothing makes much sense.  For every door that has closed, that proverbial open window has been nailed shut.  Lately, when Pollyanna begins to rear her perky little head, my own level of frustration makes me kick her cheery happy-go-lucky butt as far away as possible.  I must have kicked one too many times because she’s not around so much these days.

            I suppose it’s true that whether you see the glass as half empty or half full, you still get to drink whatever is inside.  It’s the same amount, no matter how you view it.  However, life loses its sweet taste for me if I begin to lose sight of the goodness that does exist……especially during the darker moments.  Recently, the taste has become increasingly bitter.  I can’t say I’m fond of the flavor.

            So, in an attempt to sweeten things up a bit, I’ve recently forced my husband to play The Glad Game with me (although, I didn’t call it that during the “enforcement”, so that may be the reason why he’s on board.)  Every morning for the past 2 weeks while drinking coffee and before we begin our day, we think of things that we are happy about.  Some days, we’re happy that it didn’t snow (again!) or we’re happy that we get to drink warm coffee.  Laugh or roll your eyes if you wish, but nothing else has worked the past five years to turn things around.  And that’s the whole point, to turn our experience around.

            So?  Have things turned around?  Well, we’re not living in ocean front property with my writing studio facing the sea, I don’t own a BMW and I’m not visiting my favorite spot in Italy every summer.  (Oh, alright!  I’ve never been to Italy.  YET.  But I’m certain I’ll have a favorite spot when I get there.)  So no, on an external level, things haven’t changed much.  But on a subtle internal level, something drastic is happening.  I now sleep through the night because I don’t wake up with panic attacks at 2:00 a.m.  Somehow, the Glad Game has stopped me from worrying about the things I can’t control.  I laugh more.  I dream more pleasant dreams.  I have more energy.  The sweetness is returning.

            They say there are reasons that things happen as they do and that there is a learning opportunity in every challenge.  I’m not going to lie and say I understand this completely or even that I agree with it.  I am realizing, however, that it’s easy to be grateful when your plate is full……and, ironically, that’s when we seem to be less grateful.  We always seem to demand more and are never happy.  I’m discovering that there’s power in gratitude when there’s only a morsel on your plate.  There’s a feeling of courage when you can be happy even if the bank account states you may not be able to pay rent next month.  Scarcity has taught me what’s important and what doesn’t matter.  I took so much for granted when life was “easier” and I had so much more than I do now…..and yet, I was still trying to “find” happiness.  I do have my days when I see Ol’ Polly bouncing my way and it takes some effort to not smack her, but for the most part, I’m really beginning to appreciate the “real” stuff.  Things like a comfortable home, healthy food, and the people I love.  The rest?  It’s just fluff….a gift you get to have for the moment. Things come and things go but happiness can be a constant.  In fact, it is the only constant we get to have if we want it.  When this “learning opportunity” is behind me and I’ve learned my lesson completely, you can bet I will be taking the happiness I’m discovering now with me for the long haul.  You can also bet that the “fluff” I’m sure to gain back (and loose again) will not determine my happiness.  

            So….on that note, I’ll sign off.  There’s a half full glass of wine I’ve started and it’s calling my name.

The Bridge

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves.  The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

“The lucky bastard.”  That three word sentence caught my attention.  I stopped washing the dishes and walked into the living room.  I wanted to know what this man on television was talking about.  It turns out, the man being interviewed had medically died for at least 15 minutes and he was discussing his supposed near death experience being “on the other side.”  He claims that it was such a beautifully pleasant and peaceful encounter that he’s still a bit disappointed he had to come back to his life on earth.  Now, whenever he discovers that someone he knows has passed on, his initial response is, “the lucky bastard.”

Well, I haven’t had any near death experiences lately and since I’m not one to claim to know the mysteries of life and death, I’ll take this man’s experience and place it on my stack of hope that life does exist after life.

But first things first.  I wish to concentrate on this life for now.  You see, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and usually that isn’t a good thing.  But I think “turning point” reflections happen more often when one faces certain experiences or changes.  As for me, I’m in the middle of life…..on that bridge between my youth and my elder years.  As a result, I’ve begun to think about my own mortality as midlife has made me understand more clearly the concept that my time here is limited.  And there’s nothing like a deadline (excuse the pun) that forces you to rethink how you’ve been traveling in this crazy world. 

I don’t have many regrets with my life thus far but if I must confess, I have placed a little too much effort in doing the “right” things.  I’m discovering, however, that the “right” things I’ve chosen to do were not right for me at all.  And to be honest with you, I have failed miserably trying to do the “right” things and making the “right” choices.  However, finding myself on the bridge of time has suddenly given me a bit more confidence to boldly walk forward, living life my way, instead of the “right” way.  This does require some changes in both approach and thought.  There are few tactics I’ve decided to try as I walk towards my elder years.

First, I’ve decided to say “Yes!” more often to those things that I really wish to do.  In the past, I would think my ideas seemed too crazy and a little unsafe for me to try and I would either disregard them or put them on my “to do later when I have more time, more money” list.  But no more.  If I really want to do something or have something in my life, I will find a way to make it happen.

Second, once I say “Yes”, I’m going to follow it through.  Since follow through isn’t my strong suit, I’ve asked for help in this area.  Two friends have agreed to be my “kick ass” sisters (if I don’t follow it through….they’ll kick my ass.)  One of my KA Sisters likes to wear pointy shoes, so I feel somewhat motivated in this area.

And third, I no longer have “that’s ridiculous”, “that’s too expensive”, or “that ain’t going to happen” as a part of my vocabulary.  I will, instead, replace those words with “sounds adventuresome”, “I’ll find a way” or “I’ll give it a try.”

Hopefully, by implementing these three new “tactics” into my life, I will be able to shape my life more favorably in the direction of my dreams and hopes.  And if I fail?  So what.  At least I’m giving it a try. 

There’s freedom in growing older and being aware of limited time. I feel grateful that I get this moment and opportunity to make the changes I see fit.  Not everyone gets to make it to this age, and I feel lucky that I have.  I feel even luckier that I have a chance to redo some things and live my life my way.  As the old saying goes, I truly want to be all used up and exhausted when I’m done. 

Okay…..so now what kind of fun mischief can I get myself into before I become one of those “lucky bastards?”  Hum…..anyone up for an adventure?

The Coffee Bean Phenomenon: A Second Introduction

“I like living.  I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”

Agatha Christie

“So what are you going to write about?” my friend wondered when I told her I had started a blog.  “I’m going to write a public journal” I said rather quickly, checking her facial reactions to see if she’d approve.  “Hum.  Interesting”, was her response and we quickly moved on to another subject.

My friend Amy showed a little more excitement and offered a suggestion.  “Why don’t you journal a year about following your gut instincts.”  She had all kinds of ideas and for a moment, I thought for certain that a journal about following my intuitive instincts would be my blog direction.  After all, her new book entitled, Life Your Way labeled me an expert on the subject.  (My supposed area of “expertise?” will be another blog subject.)  However, as time progressed, I realized I had originally set out to create a blog with the hopes to inspire and support the “Coffee Bean Phenomenon.”

You see, it takes courage to live life fully.  Well…to live life at all on most days.  There may be a few lucky souls out there, but I have yet to meet anyone who has escaped hardships.  Everyone I know has either experienced collapsed dreams, the death of a loved one or has had heavy stone doors shut in their faces and was unable to find that proverbial open window.  It’s in these moments of life, after the initial shock, embarrassment and grief have had their way with us that the Coffee Bean Phenomenon comes in.

The Phenomenon is a playful term I’ve given to an e-mail I received not long ago from my writer friend, Deb.  You may have heard of it.  It’s an analogy about our response to life and how we choose to take action.  The analogy goes something like this:  When things get tough and we are in the moment/day/year of boiling waters, we can either be the carrot and turn soft, the egg and turn hard or we can be the coffee bean.  We all know the soothing aromatic flavor a coffee bean produces when it’s placed in boiling water.  It can’t change the fact that it’s been placed in boiling water but it works with and not against it adversity, changing its surroundings in a positive way.

It’s true.  We don’t always get to make a choice in the challenges life deals us, but we do get to choose how we respond to them.  I hope to provide an escape for those who are at the crossroads of a carrot (turning to mush and giving up) or at the door of an egg (hard, bitter, angry) and jolt them into a room of robust flavors.  Life sucks sometimes but we’re here and we might as well make the best of it.  I’m not advocating that one should never grieve; we’ve been given tear ducts and emotions for a reason.  But when you’re ready to come up for air, I hope that my tousled observations can be the open window you’ve been searching for, giving you the will, the courage, and the power to make rich, sweet and smooth surroundings.   

So what will it be?  Deb stated she’d prefer the Italian Roast experience.  I’ll go for that and throw in a little frothed milk and chocolate.  What flavor will your phenomenon be?

A special thanks to Amy Wood, friend and author of Life Your Way.  Thanks also go to the super awesome baristas at Bard Coffee in Portland, ME.